Mental Health

Arm surgery, anxiety, & the abnormals

 

A lady had broken her arm and the doctor had a quick-fix, something for the interim because of other health complications that prevented a complete fix. This lady no longer could lift so much as a cup of tea with that hand now, halfway helpless, but her bone slowly healed in that wrong way and she grew stronger and found ways to adapt and get around without using her one arm so much.

Months later, the doctor said it was time for the Big Fix – a complete recovery and healing for her arm.

 Does it come as a shock that she didn’t want it?

Thing is, her arm had healed wrong, so her arm would need re-broken to be completely healed. It would be a long painful process and she would have to readjust to new pain and then to this new “normal” life with both arms in relatively perfect condition.

I heard this story and immediately could relate. Can’t you? To that thing you’ve gotten so used to, that wrong thing, but you’re not sure you can live without it?

 

Because being broken is less painful than being fixed.

The novel I’m working on is called “Unfixed” and that’s oddly a safe place for these grotesque characters. But I wonder what would happen if in the end I heal them, if their story heals them.

  • Who would they be then?
  • Would they be themselves anymore, or someone new?
  • What would they have to re-learn, and would they ever like it?

I’ve learned to manage my pain, much like my characters manage theirs. A community of misfits. We’ve created a new normal. And it’s scary to think of leaving it. It’s kinda like arm surgery. And I’m not sure I’m ready to break again.
 
 

The great & terrible light ahead…

As this post is published, I’m in the middle of a month of busy. Me, a social life! So many things I’m doing, and I love them all, but I’m just waiting for anxiety to knock me back down. But it can’t keep me from living, not totally.

And that’s not the end of my story either. Really, I don’t know the end to that lady’s arm surgery story. But I know that the end of mine will be complete healing – in this life or another. Healing isn’t regret – that’s a lie, likely from the very pain that afflicts us. I and my characters are going to learn to be brave, to be the hero of our stories as we go into the terror of the woods and as we emerge into the great & terrible light again.

 

Free, Take 1:
|Normal| |Control| |Courage| |New Name|

I recently read this Hannah Brencher post on keeping your normal. You should read it all, but here’s a snippet that I think reminds of the control and the courage we do have.
 

Here’s the thing: I am not my depression. I am not defined by it or confined by it. It happened to me. It still happens to me. My depression does not, on any day of the week, give me a new name though. It will never have that sort of permission.No mental illness, no horrific tragedy, no person who did you wrong or left you broken is allowed to name you. It does not work that way, no matter what other people tell you. This is your life. These are your lungs. This is your space.

 

 

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Faith

The Courage of Generosity

A friend gave me a devotional by Patricia Raybon for Christmas. I’m not much of a devotional person, I’m more of a jump-to-my-own conclusions person haha. But this devotional has been a nice calm to the beginning of my day.

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The week on Generosity really hit me. Messages on finances really get to me, maybe because I’ve struggled in trusting  in the past, or because I had great faith in the past, or because I love giving especially when it seems like it’s the most foolish decision ever. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not perfect in this area; in fact the moments of faith for this are few and far between. But I think this topic is especially pertinent to creatives, freelancers, and entrepreneurs who have no guarantee of regular income…yikes!

 

Despite my on-again off-again study of this topic, Raybon had a couple amazing points I hadn’t thought about that change my perspective on giving.

 

  1. Generosity is about courage more than about giving. It’s not about giving where it’s easy, it’s about trusting that you can continually give lavishly and have enough. No matter your income. She pointed out that all of nature survives off an endless cycle of giving…how beautiful!
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  3. Referencing John 3:16, Raybon noted that we should give as God gives. Did He only give to people He could trust with His gift? No. He gave His son to the “ungrateful, selfish, sinful, disappointing world.” I want to give like that, not constantly worrying about what a person would do with it, just giving with trust and hope. “When they’re at their worst, we can give our best.” Not taking into account whether the receiver will be responsible with the gift, but taking into account the need and having grace.

 

Here’s to growing in generosity, faith, courage, trust, and grace as God continues to work on my heart.

 

 

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