Musings

The Place Between the Dream & the Comfortable

When people talk about “leavin’ the 9-to-5 to pursue your dream”, it’s usually in context to a horrible mundane place, where Mondays are dreaded and dreams  are scoffed. But I bet I’m not the only person to say, “that’s not MY 9-to-5. I don’t HATE my job!”

Executive Assistant isn’t my dream, but the company, the people made way for my creative spirit. I emailed the region daily motivational or hilarious memes to start the day off right. I dressed up an office mannequin and gave her adventures and stories (search #delilahtales on Facebook or Twitter). I wrote a Dr. Seuss poem about our work for staff retreat. I didn’t deal with painful coworkers – we were actually a team and even friends and enjoyed being together.

All of these reasons and more made it so difficult to choose to leave.

  • Be grateful.
  • You don’t hate your job. What all are you gambling away on the elusive hope of finding your calling and destiny?
  • They say the “dream job” is a myth. You’re just lazy and bored and spoiled first world probz. [Google it: “myth of the dream job” – it’s real.]

 

But it all started with losing my Dream Job.

Full disclosure: about 6 months ago, I applied for the dream job of all dream jobs – proofreader at a book publishing company. I was ready, I thought. And then I flunked the test. I think it was test anxiety, all the pressure of what this test could mean got to me. But it shattered my confidence. Maybe I’m not all that special. My hope took a beating, and it’s still in recovery.

So what got me to hope again, to take a chance at a step towards my dream?

Friends. Friends who believed in me when I couldn’t.

My past roommate shared the job opportunity with me. My work bestie was genuinely excited for me – probably more than I was – leaving her workplace but to pursue my dreams. My writers group kept my hope alive and pushed me to continue.

I’m not to my dream job yet. But I’ve taken a step in that direction, to learning a career of writing and proofreading. It’s scary and uncertain, but it’s moving forward.

 

Blog Signature - Crisper

Mental Health

Playing Tag with Change

I used to chase change.
Did we all?
But life teaches us. Life teaches us wrong. To run from change.

I’m trying to chase change again. Like a great game of tag, this back and forth. “Tag, you’re it.” I catch change and then I run, til it catches me and I decide to chase it again.

I want to grab change and hold tight and shake it and tell it what’s what, mainly that we’re meant to be together and it’s supposed to be beautiful and, like any lover, we may hurt each other, but it’d be okay because we’re destined for each other like any love story.

“I’m still figuring this out.”

“What, playing the field?”

“No.” What love is. Throwing out the rules. Clinging to the values.

I’m figuring it out. Leaving a pile of mistakes in my wake. Isn’t life about figuring it out, not just brainwashing yourself? Transforming instead of conforming.

It’s around this time of year that one line from The Great Gatsby rings in my head over and over.

“I almost forgot. Today’s my birthday.”

Only I haven’t forgotten, but I wonder if everyone else has.

That inner child wants to run around and tell everyone and be celebrated on this particular day. But then you grow up. And it doesn’t work that way. You celebrate, but it’s a ritual and it’s rarely as special as your inner child hoped.

“I haven’t had a happy birthday for years.” That’s what a friend said. And I thought it was tragic. But with each passing year, the celebration rests more on my own shoulders and less on others’.

This year, I tell myself again and again, “You can’t give in. You are special every day of every year. You are loved every day of every year.” That inner child is screaming to be noticed on my birthday, and not just by 600 facebook notifications.

This isn’t about the celebration or the adoration though….it’s about the inner child screaming. It’s about not letting it shut up.

It’s about hope, that thing that the inner child clings to and adults try to deny.

We’re so scared of being hurt. I’m so scared of being hurt. We’re born addicted to hope and change until life lies to us. And that’s why I’m trying to chase change again.

“Tag, you’re it.”

Blog Signature - Crisper