I have been on the giving and receiving end of a “church break-up.” I would even say I’ve probably been a part of the cause of a “church break-up.” I don’t have all the answers, but I do have some good and not-so-good experiences to pull from.
This isn’t going to cover if/when you should break up with your church. There are plenty of articles on that you can look up if you’re not sure. Once you’ve decided to break up with your church though, here’s some recommended steps. This of course doesn’t apply to every situation and every community, but hopefully this will give you some steps in the right direction.
Step 1: Tell Church Leadership Why & When
Depending on the size of the church and your involvement, this may or not be the pastor. If this is a mega-church where you’ve never spoken to the pastor in your life, you may not want/need to take that step.
- What leader knows you by name?
- What leader will notice your absence?
- This person may be the pastor, pastor’s wife, small-group leader, and/or the head of a department you volunteer with
Arrange a time to meet individually and explain your departure – the why and when.
Step 2: Tell the Pastor Any Grievances Against the Church (if applicable)
Really I hope your reason for leaving is because of some exciting new adventure awaiting and no hard feelings, but that is of course not always the case.
This part is never easy. I would hope you have already discussed with church leadership any problems you may have with the church. But if you haven’t, you definitely need to. This isn’t time for accusations – it’s time to make them aware of anything driving committed members away.
Here’s the most important part: Don’t just tell the leader from step 1. You should tell the pastor, if not in person then at least via letter. A pastor really will want to be aware of any negative experiences the church has played a role in. No one is perfect, no church is perfect, and church leadership wants to be aware of the atmosphere and address major issues.
Step 3: Tell Your Church Friends at least the Basics
I have seen firsthand the pain of hearing through the grapevine that someone left the church. This is a simple step, almost forgettable, which I think is mostly how it happens. Sure you probably won’t tell everyone, but think ahead about who you will tell.
Don’t let your friends be left in the lurch, just finding you gone one Sunday and everyone knows but them. Tell anyone you consider yourself close to. Don’t ghost your friends.
What do you think?
I’m not church leadership, so I’m sure there’s a different perspective there. And really, I’m sure there’s a different perspective from many church-goers, so what are your steps to breaking up with a church? Comment below to let me know 🙂
